On The Delicate Subject of Money

Money permeates every relationship in life, every interpersonal interaction: friendship and courtship, living together and marriage, divorce and death. Dealing with it, however, is still a major issue for couples today because it is not a comfortable issue to discuss. Even during these challenging economic times, partners avoid talking about money and dealing with the emotions it evokes. Money is certainly still a taboo in couple talk.

Money, of course, has always provided plenty of fodder for partnership discord. Many of the complaints I hear have changed little over the years. A typical husband’s lament: “My wife is an emotional spender. She’s not realistic about money.” His spouse’s refrain: “Money with him is a power struggle. He doesn’t hear me when I ask for things. He doesn’t know what it takes to run a family.”

What have changed are financial roles. It is an era of his, her and their checking accounts; a time when wives are likely to make as much as or more than their husbands and to have their own, often divergent ideas about handling money.

Money differences or incompatibilities are just a symptom of some underlying dynamic, not the cause. Money is a commodity which takes on other meanings and emotions. It becomes the emotional football that partners may use to throw back and forth at one another and never resolve their real issues. Family finances may be a forum for disputes over responsibility and commitment, need for attention, lack of trust in others.

Here are some suggestions for trying to work things out on your own. If money problems persist, you may want to seek professional help.

• Talk over financial matters regularly, at a time when money decisions are not pressing. You might consider setting up monthly “meetings” when you and your partner can discuss major goals, lifestyle issues, investment strategies as well as dreams and hopes for the future.
• Both partners should keep abreast of the financial situation. Some couples find it helps to trade off responsibility for paying bills; others delegate the job to the partner best suited to perform it. Each partner should feel he or she has access to money and knowledge of their financial status.
• Agree on at least a few financial goals over the next six months, talking over those things most important to you. Write down your decisions so both of you remember your goals and your top priorities for planning.

Above all, remember that arriving at a workable money strategy is a negotiation process. It’s very healthy to admit who you are when it comes to money and what you really value. The health and wealth of the partnership depends on both partners being aware, involved and committed to working together to achieve what’s most important to them individually as well as what works best for their relationship.

You can check out http://www.kathleengurney.com to learn more on this topic.

Money in A Marriage of Opposites

Joanne and Peter have been married for three years and have just started to deal with the reality of blending their money and making joint decisions. Planning to buy their first house has forced them to face the fact that there are conflicts they've been avoiding--conflicts because they have very different opinions and styles of approaching money.

Peter has no problem spending money he doesn't have. His parents lived beyond their means. They had what they wanted, when they wanted it. The stress of paying off debt was a familiar scenario in Peter's household.

Joanne's parents were just the opposite. They never spent money they didn't have. They saved for the new furniture and the new car. Likewise, she always earned her own spending money and never received an allowance for helping with family chores. She said she was not spoiled--like Peter whose parents never said "no" to him or his brother.

I met Joanne and Peter through Joanne's parents; instead of dealing with the crises in her marriage, she was running to her parents for advice. She was afraid of setting limits on her husband's spending and cowered in any conversations about his spending. Those conversations always turned into confrontations with resulted in her feeling guilty that she was being the money cop.

What I could offer as a third, objective party, was to help them in setting up a joint plan for "their" money. Even in marriages that work well with separate accounts, the partnership is an entity that has financial implications when planning a joint purchase, whether that be a vacation, car, house or for a child. If there is some agreement about mutual goals, couples can usually agree about the steps they will take to achieve those goals.

With their agreement in creating a 1, 3 and 5-year plan that they both felt satisfied them, there would be certain steps they would have to take to assure they would achieve them. It became a joint plan instead of Joanne's plan. They also were asked to include any barriers they perceived might prevent them from holding up their end of the commitment.

This was the part of the exercise that gave Peter the most challenge. It also changed his life, and saved his marriage. With a non-judgmental third party, Peter was able to discuss his style and habit of rewarding himself on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. Perhaps more importantly, in that discussion he was able to see what was previously a blind spot for him: the consequences of his free-spending style.

He had to admit that the thought of having their own home, his own garage and back yard would bring him much greater joy than buying the latest digital camera or stereo equipment. Once he saw the payoff for what he would have to change, he was willing to make that commitment. Once it was his decision and not just Joanne's, it became easier to do for him.

The last I heard, Joanne had very positive conversations about her marriage with her parents. She and Peter had bought their first home, and were already starting to save to landscape their yard.

From the outside looking in, perhaps the greatest payoff for their joint planning is a compatible marriage. Instead of dreading and doubting their future, they will be planning and achieving what is valuable and meaningful in their life together.

Preparing for Retirement by Doing and Feeling

I read an article in the N.Y. Times, A Boot Camp to Prepare for Retirement; http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/25/your-money/25money.html?_r=1&emc=eta1">and I was impressed by what two financial planners had developed. They created a simulation for their clients and allowed them to experience how they were feeling about a new phase of life. In many ways, I would imagine participants have a new understanding of what’s so intimidating and often depressing about the “R” word as many of my clients refer to retirement.

About 8 years ago, I was thinking along the same lines and had proposed a similar program to the local university. I was just moving to Sarasota and thought it would be a great venue for participants and a way for Sarasota to show off what a wonderful city this is for retirement by inviting pre-retirees for several weekends during the year to go through a weekend workshop.

Timing was not in my favor so the program was not accepted by the university but it’s been in the back of my mind ever since as a highly worthwhile endeavor; abbreviated versions have worked well so a longer process would be even more beneficial.

When I read about Tillotson and Kennefick, I was absolutely delighted; someone had actually developed such a program. Brava.

We don’t have many opportunities to reinvent ourselves and I have seen too many people misjudge, miscalculate and misrepresent their retirement plans. Being able to live out the “what-if’s” is a wonderful opportunity to get it right saving valuable time and resources.

Being A Wise Financial Consumer

Knowing your money personality—how you think and feel about your money; your habits, true values and priorities--is essential to being successful in money management. Yet, so many people are unaware that financial success begins and ends with their actions and responsibilities.

Financial Success Is Up to You

Whether you are attempting to develop a workable financial plan, a suitable investment strategy, or a relationship with a trusted advisor, your success begins and ends with you and the actions you take. Too many people leave themselves and their unique needs and wants out of the process for predicting success.

If It Works with Health, It Will Work with Wealth

We wouldn’t dare go to the doctors and be uninformed about our bodies. We’d be able to discuss exactly how we felt and what we needed from the doctor. We’ve learned to be “assertive and active patients”. Unfortunately, we have not done the same for our financial lives and well-being.

We’ve learned that we must be in control of the services and benefits that we receive to assure that we remain healthy. If we don’t take control, we become victims of the medical system.

It’s really no different in the financial arena and system.. We will either learn how to master the system or be victimized by it. It’s up to us to become better clients by knowing more about ourselves and what questions to ask and what is reasonable and realistic to expect from financial advisers and institutions. For too long, we have turned over money management to others to determine what’s right. We can still turn over the money management but it must be with knowledge, confidence and trust.

Become Your Greatest Financial Asset

Knowing more about ourselves—our financial personalities, needs for comfort and security, and priorities-- is imperative in becoming our greatest financial asset.

Psychology of Money: Where Money Meets The Mind

Have you ever wondered why money seems to work so well in some people’s lives and so destructively in others? Why some people control money while others allow it to control them? Or why some of us can manage it so effortlessly to fulfill life’s plans and goals, while others never stop to question how they want it to serve them?

Questions like these are not typically explored. Why not? I believe it’s because the answers do not lie in cold financial facts. One must look at both the financial and psychological factors involved in money matters to make sense of why people do what they do with money. This blog, as well as others on this site, attempts to do just that.

For most of us, money and our feelings toward it tend to veer to extremes. We love money or we hate it, we fear it or we worship it—but we certainly never ignore it. And yet, we know so little about why we experience these emotions toward money and the effects they have on our very existence.

As a psychologist specializing in money-related issues, I confront these money emotions every day. I have worked with hundreds of men and women from all backgrounds and income levels: company presidents who make million dollar-decisions in the board room but make disastrous personal financial decisions; couples who never cease arguing over “my”, “your”, and “our” money; parents who know better but spoil and indulge their children, never giving them a chance to enjoy the connection between effort and reward.

I’ve learned that most of us fail to realize how our feelings about money affect our financial habits and the degree of satisfaction we get from the money we have. There is an inseparable link between our unconscious attitudes about money and the way we relate to money in our lives. Like it or not, money can enhance happiness and prosperity, or it can destroy them. No one simply drifts to the pinnacle of success—you have to climb.

Not only do we have a physical self, an emotional self and a social self, but we have a financial, or money self. This money self influences the way we interact with our money. You have a healthy money self-concept when you know how you affect money and how money affects you. You have a healthy money self-concept when you like how you deal with money more than you dislike how you deal with money. If you have a negative money self-concept, you can alter your attitudes and formulate a new money style that provides richness instead of deprivation.

Ultimately, money success comes from self-validation: as you think about money and yourself, so you become.