YOUR MONEY PERSONALITIES: MATCH OR MISMATCH?

It may be easier if your styles of handling money are similar, but here, as with other characteristics, opposites attract. Ideally, couples should have a serious talk about their individual financial preferences before differences erupt. But in the era of romantic love (from the late nineteenth century on), we have felt that it somehow tarnished the purity of love to discuss it in the same context as money. As a result, the importance of money is generally ignored during courtship, yet it becomes a primary focus of contention during marriage.

In my years of counseling practice, the complaints I hear from married clients have changed little. A typical scenario might be: “My wife is an emotional spender. She’s not realistic about money.” “Money with him is a power struggle. My husband doesn’t hear me when I ask for things. He doesn’t know what it takes to run a family.” Some other classic mismatch combinations are: a serious money saver paired with a person who is admittedly ‘born to shop,’ a high roller/risk taker paired with a safety seeker afraid to take risks, and a materialistic status seeker paired with a bohemian. While these and other combinations all come with their own challenges and issues built in, there is hope.

WORKING THROUGH YOUR FINANCIAL DIFFERENCES

Be involved and invest in your relationship. It is one of your greatest assets in life. Understand your differences and plan around them. Take equal responsibility for managing your money so both of you are informed. For example, if one person routinely pays the bills, the other should file the paid invoices.

Respect each other’s differences instead of judging them. Look for patterns and issues that continually crop up and then look at what attitudes and feelings about money and what emotions are creating those behavioral patterns. Next, discuss ways to avoid falling into those patterns in the future. You might want to schedule a monthly “money talk” as a forum for these discussions. Remember that good financial communication works both ways – listening as well as talking. The price of not communicating is to proceed to the point where differences appear irreconcilable.

Watch for telltale signs of financial compatibility while courting. Deal with these issues when they present themselves. Don’t think it will get better when you are married or living together.

If you don’t deal with issues up front, your differences may get blown out of proportion. The key is to try to understand your partner’s feelings about money before lashing out in response. One of the most reliable ways to work with your partner is to take Moneymax®. It’s positive, eliminates emotions getting in the way, it’s fast and easy, non-threatening and objective. It shows potential problem areas to be discussed and considered, and reveals ways to manage money more harmoniously as a couple and ultimately in a way that will satisfy the needs of both partners.

In every couple, no matter what your income level is, there are daily decisions to be made about the allocation of money. Among low-income families, money is a constant source of irritation because of its short supply, but it may also be a chief irritant among the more affluent. A shortage of money is not usually the real problem in a money fight. The problem may be differences in attitudes, preexisting grievances, or any number of factors. According to the Family Service Association, of marriages ostensibly threatened by money arguments, only 6 percent of the couples were actually short of money. The most ferocious marital money conflicts occur when there are irreconcilable differences in money personalities, such as when a saver marries a spender.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Even if you haven’t met your ideal financial match, you can learn to diffuse the money conflicts in your relationship by discovering, understanding and working with your financial personalities. So turn your much ado about money into much ado about nothing.

On The Delicate Subject of Money

Money permeates every relationship in life, every interpersonal interaction: friendship and courtship, living together and marriage, divorce and death. Dealing with it, however, is still a major issue for couples today because it is not a comfortable issue to discuss. Even during these challenging economic times, partners avoid talking about money and dealing with the emotions it evokes. Money is certainly still a taboo in couple talk.

Money, of course, has always provided plenty of fodder for partnership discord. Many of the complaints I hear have changed little over the years. A typical husband’s lament: “My wife is an emotional spender. She’s not realistic about money.” His spouse’s refrain: “Money with him is a power struggle. He doesn’t hear me when I ask for things. He doesn’t know what it takes to run a family.”

What have changed are financial roles. It is an era of his, her and their checking accounts; a time when wives are likely to make as much as or more than their husbands and to have their own, often divergent ideas about handling money.

Money differences or incompatibilities are just a symptom of some underlying dynamic, not the cause. Money is a commodity which takes on other meanings and emotions. It becomes the emotional football that partners may use to throw back and forth at one another and never resolve their real issues. Family finances may be a forum for disputes over responsibility and commitment, need for attention, lack of trust in others.

Here are some suggestions for trying to work things out on your own. If money problems persist, you may want to seek professional help.

• Talk over financial matters regularly, at a time when money decisions are not pressing. You might consider setting up monthly “meetings” when you and your partner can discuss major goals, lifestyle issues, investment strategies as well as dreams and hopes for the future.
• Both partners should keep abreast of the financial situation. Some couples find it helps to trade off responsibility for paying bills; others delegate the job to the partner best suited to perform it. Each partner should feel he or she has access to money and knowledge of their financial status.
• Agree on at least a few financial goals over the next six months, talking over those things most important to you. Write down your decisions so both of you remember your goals and your top priorities for planning.

Above all, remember that arriving at a workable money strategy is a negotiation process. It’s very healthy to admit who you are when it comes to money and what you really value. The health and wealth of the partnership depends on both partners being aware, involved and committed to working together to achieve what’s most important to them individually as well as what works best for their relationship.

You can check out http://www.kathleengurney.com to learn more on this topic.

Money Personalities: Bliss or Bickering?

Money permeates every relationship in life and acts as a powerful force in enhancing similarities and reinforcing differences. In my research and work with couples over the years and helping them in their money management challenges, I found it fascinating that the most compatible couples shared similar money personality traits and values , http://www.kathleengurney.com. The old adage, "opposites attract", just didn't hold true among the couples that seemed to use money well together. The opposites I did see in money personalities came to see me because money became the symptom of emotional differences and discord and the scapegoat for all that was going wrong.

So, today when I read the article, "In Spending Matters, Opposites' Attraction Fuels Conflict" in the International Herald Tribune,http://global.nytimes.com/?iht, I wasn't surprised to find that researchers had found that people who were described as "spendthrifts" and "tightwads" tended to marry. These "dichotomized duos" reported more unhappy marriages than people with more similar attitudes toward spending. These "financially polar pairs" reported greater conflict over money and lower levels of marital bliss.

This makes sense to me because the spending/saving trait is the most obvious to see in action with couples. The tugging and control over the purse strings becomes obvious with all purchase decisions. Money becomes the symbol of differing opinions and values with a compromise hard to reach considering how far apart the saver and spender are on this trait.

In consulting with opposite money personalities like the Achievers (savers and accumulators of wealth) and the Hunters (emotional spenders), their conflicts were obvious. Achievers get turned on by watching their money accumulate while the Hunters' greatest joy is a great shopping treasure hunt.

You would think that this obvious difference in money personalities would be a warning signal in considering marriage and managing money together. Unfortunately, couples plunge ahead not wanting to make such affairs of the wallet a priority.

There is hope if couples are willing to do the hard work to reach compromise and compatibility. If they're willing to explore each other's perspective and reach the most suitable solution that satisfies both partner's needs without jeopardizing security, then whatever differences they have can be managed for mutual satisfaction.